The past 24-48 hours has been a blur of emotion and learning and ups and downs and generally pretty draining. While I am cursing getting numerous lessons shoved into a short space of time when all I want is rest, I'm trying to maintain perspective and remember that this stuff always come up and comes at you whether you think its the 'right' time or not. Instead of viewing it in the negative I'm trying to see the value in what I'm learning from it all and be grateful for the opportunity I am being given to practice the skills I am trying to develop. In particular the skills of speaking my truth, of voicing my opinion, and of communicating rather than shutting down (especially when the easier option would be to keep quiet). I'm remembering to forgive myself when I react in ways I would prefer not to and when I give away my power. To accept what is, to know that each minute is a chance to try again and that growth comes from the mistakes.
Some of the conversations and interactions I've had to have this weekend haven't been great. But on the flip side, moving towards my fear of speaking up and voicing that I was hurt by something has allowed me to experience the beauty of someone acknowledging that they've heard me, expressing their love of our friendship and, in turn, deepening that friendship in a way that I might not have experienced otherwise. I felt the joy of knowing that it is possible for me to communicate my feelings and speak my truth clearly and effectively without being shut down and it has given me the courage to keep doing this (It also says a great deal about this particular work mate of mine who is mature above her years and who I thank deeply for supporting me on the journey I am currently on).
I've spent a great deal of my life experiencing speaking up as something that can only lead to conflict and hence have avoided doing. Of course now I can see that by going into every situation with this belief ingrained in my head, I was only ever going to get that exact thing back. But I've been able to re-frame the way I perceive myself and what I have to say, as well as refine my communication skills. And because I have changed my way of being in the world and committed myself to altering the behaviour that doesn't serve me, I have attracted amazing people into my life who support me, show me an alternative way and also challenge me to keep learning and growing - and I am grateful beyond words for that.
So despite feeling wrecked physically and emotionally I am going to go to bed tonight being grateful for the challenges, achievements, failures and opportunities for growth that have come my way in the past couple of days. I may hate them at the time but I know they are all so beneficial to my greater good, so I wouldn't change it for anything.
P.S I also want to thank my twin sis who has been on this emotional rollercoaster with me. She has been my sounding board and counsellor and I'm very, very lucky to have her.
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