Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday Musings: Once In Your Life...
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
Bob Marley
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday Sounds: Emeli Sande Part Two...
She's been on repeat on my ipod so I had to post Emeli again this week....
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Saturday Soul: Senna...
This morning I watched "Senna," the recently released documentary on Ayrton Senna. WOW... it is so worth watching. Not only is it a trip down memory lane, with so much of it set in the late 80's and early 90's, but it is also such a great insight into what he was like as a person. It's so easy to see celebrities as 'the racing car driver' or 'the cricketer' or whatever. But to really get to see another side of them and see what their thoughts are on life is amazing.
What people might not expect is how spiritual Ayrton was. Throughout many of his interviews he referenced his faith and belief in God and he described certain moments driving his car where he experienced being out of his body and beyond consciousness. He also talked a lot about how much he had to learn about life and being a man, beyond driving and racing, which was just as important to him.
The more I got drawn into his journey through Formula One and re-lived it the more I didn't want the race at the Imola track to come. It's crazy but I still found myself saying in my head 'don't race, don't race', even though I know full well you can't re-write history. It is very eerie to watch the lead up to the day of his death and to see how the events unfolded. How tense, sad and stressed he had been driving the Williams Renault car. How many problems the car had. The fact that another driver died just beforehand. How torn he was about whether to race the car.
On the morning that he died, he told his sister he had asked God to speak to him and he had opened his Bible. The page he opened to told him that God would give him the greatest gift of all - God himself. Undoubtedly something went wrong with the car because the turn Ayrton crashed on was not one that was difficult or that any of the drivers would have trouble with. He did not have one broken bone or bruise on him and was killed because the angle that he crashed on was such that the suspension shaft hit him directly in the head. Had the angle shifted slightly and the shaft gone 6 inches higher or lower, he would have walked away, unscathed.
Ayrton was acutely aware of his own mortality and used fear to control the extent of the boundaries he felt compelled to explore. He regarded racing as a metaphor for life and used driving as a means of self-discovery. He said "Every time I push, I find something more, again and again. But there is a contradiction. The same moment that you become the fastest, you are enormously fragile. Because in a split second, it can be gone. All of it. These two extremes contribute to knowing yourself deeper and deeper."
This message and idea stayed with me for a long while after the movie finished and made me think a lot about the life each of us are put on this earth to lead and how we absolutely never know how it will go. In a heartbeat it can be gone - just like that. So hard to comprehend but so important to remember......
Friday, February 24, 2012
Fabulous Friday: Horrible Bosses...
Last Friday night I watched the movie Horrible Bosses and all I have to say is that I laughed my head off. If you want a movie to watch or need a good laugh, this one fits the bill. I've posted the trailer and one of my favourite scenes below so you can have a taste for yourself.....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday Thoughts: I Am Enough...
The thoughts I'm about to share are actually ones that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago. I have decided to share them now because my sister and I were having a conversation a few days ago where she was expressing very similar thoughts - so I thought it might help her to hear that she's not the only one to feel or think this way and that she is not alone when she does.....
Last night as I was lying in bed I had the thought descend on me that I am so hard on myself. Not in the way that I necessarily berate myself constantly or put myself down, but more in the way that I place enormous expectations on myself. I've been told this time and time again by other people, and I can recognise it. When others point it out, I'll say "I know, I really need to give myself a break." But then I will continue on my merry way, telling myself that I'll go easy on me, but in fact never doing that.
But last night I really, really got it. Its as if I walk around all day weighed down by these thoughts that where I am in life isn't good enough, that I should be doing something more at work, at home, in society. Even when I consciously stop and say "No more, give yourself a break," the thoughts creep back in and before I know it I'm being weighed down by the expectations I place on myself. And it is exhausting.
So today I want to tell myself "Bel, who you are, right now, is enough. You are absolutely doing the best that you can do. You are an awesome Mum. That little boy of yours couldn't possibly feel anything else but completely and utterly loved by you from every inch of your being. You are doing so well at re-establishing your life and identity as a single woman and mother and transitioning the best you know how in regards to setting up a career/work and life that will work for you. If it all doesn't feel hunky dory right now, don't take that as meaning you are inadequate or lacking anything. Transition is uncomfortable and messy and can take time. And you are navigating one of the biggest transitions a person can go through. Combined with the ever-changing and challenging role of motherhood and a career change, what do you expect for yourself? Seriously, give yourself a break and truly, truly know that you are enough just as you are."
Stace, I think there's something in that for you x
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Monday Musings: Keeping Your Soul Alive...
"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying AMEN to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive"
Robert Louis Stevenson
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saturday Soul: The Signs...
I've been conscious of looking for the signs in my life. The subtle ones that represent the universe or my intuition guiding me towards my higher purpose. This question of what I'm 'really here' for is one that I wrestle with a lot and one that is very important to me. They say everyone deep down, knows what their purpose is - even though many of us say we don't. I believe I do have (and we all have) it in there somewhere but circumstances and conditioning prevent us from having any real ability to get in touch with this knowledge. We have to want to hear it and discover it. To be quiet. And still. And willing to wait for it to come. Therein lie the reasons why most of us spend the greater chunk of our existence in these lives never fully coming to know what our souls true purpose is. We fear what is hidden deep down. We don't trust ourselves. We don't have self-belief. We are not comfortable with the quiet. We don't know what it is to be truly still. We don't have the patience to wait for things to come.
But I'm practicing patience and committing to being still, to getting in touch with my intuition. It's not easy. I second guess a lot of things and myself and feel a long way from being fully in touch with it. But I have noticed some signs lately and they bring me back to children. The one thing that deeply touches me and is important in this world is children. If I had one wish it would be that all children experienced someone loving them, unconditionally. Wanting to make a difference in the lives of kids is what led me to be a teacher. Connecting with them, helping them, believing in them, inspiring them, giving them opportunities - that's what floated my boat and was my purpose. When I stopped teaching the focus of my purpose still appeared to be on kids, but younger ones. Through my artwork and T-Shirts the main aim was to express a feeling of love and belief to kids or to help other people do that for the kids in their lives.
I've lost touch with this over the past couple of years. Bogged down in the day to day existence and being buffeted by other circumstances and emotions, finding my purpose seemed like a luxury and something I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with. I lost the belief in myself and lost sight of who I truly am. But inevitably I am a passionate and soulful being. I'm not here just to 'exist'. I'm not here to get stuck on society's treadmill. My life doesn't work to not be filling it on a daily basis, or in some way, with something I feel deeply about.
So I'm trying to get back in touch with what my purpose is. And this week gave me at least three signs that it still has something to do with kids. One of my sisters brought up my T-Shirts in a conversation with me, out of the blue and was like "Bel, you really should pick that up again. I believe in it". Then at work yesterday, a couple came in to go through their financial plan and they had to bring their three children with them because they couldn't get a sitter. So I spent two hours with the 5 and 2 year old so that their parents could not be distracted and do what they needed to. I had these two little guys on my lap, reading stories, doing sticker books, eating bananas and watching planes. And their parents could not stop thanking me and appeared to be in awe of the fact that I was willing to do that for them. And it struck me how doing that comes naturally to me and had more meaning to it than anything that I ever do at work. Then, last night, I decided to pull a card from one of my packs of oracle cards that I probably haven't looked at in over a year and I pulled the card that said 'Child'. It is specifically about children being part of your life purpose. That was enough for me to believe that the universe is telling me it is time to bring my passion for children back into my life. I still have no idea as to what degree or in what way, but I'm going to keep listening and watching for signs and act on them when they come up. It's also time to stop being bogged down in trying to figure out the 'how' because this is where I get stopped time and time again. Action in the form of baby steps and being open to and aware of the signs seems to be the best way forward for me right now.......
Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thursday Thoughts: The Messy Stuff...
I read a wonderful blog post on Scoutie Girl the other day, where Maeg Yosef discussed growth and how it's not all 'grace and epiphany.' That really struck a cord with me given my current phase of growth and transition. Last week definitely confirmed that with all growth comes a whole bunch of emotion and yuckiness. One day you think you're making huge breakthroughs, are moving forward and have got your shit sorted and the next you feel like you took ten steps backwards and have lost everything you've learned or gained.
And then I read a sentence in the blog post that said "The messy stuff doesn't negate the good stuff. The messy stuff is just a call for comfort." When you are moving into the unknown and trying on new ways of being, your body and mind cry out for reassurance and comfort. Reading that was like a light bulb moment for me. So often I experience the messy, negative bits and make it mean that any progress has been negated. That I must not really have made the progress that I thought I had.
But it's not that at all. Transition and growth is messy and involves you sitting with uncomfortable feelings while you process whatever you need to. The feelings and mess are actually a sign that something is occurring. The key is to trust that it will pass and that you will move through this phase (tough to do when you are in a long phase of growth and change - but really, unless you want to revert back to your old, often unhealthy ways of doing things, what other option do you have but to trust you can make it?).
While you are in this uncomfortable, frustrating, messy phase, be kind to yourself. In seeking or providing comfort, the key is not to resort to old habits or things that you might have done previously to avoid these feelings. Choose to comfort yourself in ways that support the life you are choosing to create. As I mentioned on Monday, I sought comfort in the company of family, in doing yoga each night and by talking to friends. Once upon a time I may have chosen to isolate myself from people, to stop exercising, to eat unhealthily, to let my mind run away with negative thoughts. But I have identified these behaviours as the ones that don't work for me and so I just have to keep making the conscious decision to choose the actions and thoughts that are in line with the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I am creating for myself.
And on the note of messy stuff, my sisters' girlfriend, Bec (my surrogate sis), has been one very sick lady lately and is currently in hospital. So I just want her to know that my thoughts and prayers are with her everyday and that I am sending her lots of hugs and kisses for tomorrow. Also, a huge shout out to my sister Lauren who has shown what a strong and loving person she is over the difficult past few weeks. Much love to you and I'm here if you need anything at all xx
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Wednesday Words Of Wisdom: What Is Within You...
"If you bring forth what is within you, it will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, it will destroy you"
The Gnostic Gospels
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Monday Musings: Giving Yourself What You Need...
I am pleased to say I'm feeling much more like my usual self. This was largely helped by the fact that I gave myself what I needed this past weekend by staying at my parents house. While I am definitely one for having my own space and doing my own thing, I was absolutely overdue for some time with family. Every now and then you just need to be amongst people who know and love you and to feel looked after, even just for a short time. The change of scenery and break in routine helped me to shift my perspective and forget the struggle of last week. Hopefully the mood and energy has shifted and the week ahead will be a good one!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday Sounds: Whitney...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Saturday Soul: My Soul Longs to Travel...
One of my intentions this year is to travel. I've been lucky enough to travel to quite a few places during my life but doing it now, as a single person, seems like a whole new experience. So I'm keen to do more, see more, feel more, experience more and learn more about myself in the process. I'm going to keep this manifesto in mind when I do.....
Friday, February 10, 2012
Fabulous Friday: ee cummings...
[i carry your heart with me]
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday Thoughts: All I Know...
All I know is that this week yoga is saving me. I am having a week where I feel extremely low physically and mentally. Usually if I'm feeling down and can't shake it, I'll go for a run to just clear my mind and get the endorphins flowing, but I'm still not 100% so running is not a good idea when your body feels as though it is running on empty. Doing nothing, however, has not been an option particularly for my mind. So each evening I have clung to yoga. Nothing strenuous, but it has been my saviour. For the 20-30 mins each night, it has grounded me. It has been such a relief to feel that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from being kind to myself. From giving myself some period of time to stop the thoughts and feelings and be in the moment. And I don't know what I would have done without it. The nightly ritual of lighting the candle and doing my yoga in the lounge room before bed has been my anchor. So for that I say a very heart felt "Thank you, thank you, thank you".
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Monday Musings: Full Moon...
I woke up this morning to go to work and my body went, "No you don't". I am physically smashed - no energy whatsoever. The kind of no energy where it takes you an hour to contemplate getting out of bed and putting on clothes and the thought of getting your son ready, in the car and to daycare, then spending the day being switched on at work is the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest. As it was, the daycare and son element on its own was all I could manage before crawling back into bed to lie there feeling like I had been hit by a bus.
In hindsight, its no real surprise. The whole weekend I had an overwhelming feeling of 'blech'. I also spent most of Saturday in bed and would have done the same yesterday except that it is not an option when you have a 3 year old. To be objective about it, it was a huge week emotionally and physically. Lots of personal challenges and shifts, which stirred up a lot of energy and emotion. Combine that with a week of poor sleep at night and some hard core running at the end of the week and you get a thoroughly depleted and drained me. I tried to get through the 'low' weekend as best I could, reminding myself over and over again that it will pass, talking things through with my besties and generally trying not to sink into the feeling and let it run away with me. I went to sleep last night hoping that things would have shifted by the morning and I'd be back to my normal self. I was pretty frustrated by the fact that I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible, but now I can see that perhaps the low immune system had something to do with it.
Then I read my star signs this morning (even on my death bed its a force of habit) and things made even more sense. I've been known at times to give it to the two astrologers that I follow when they post lofty, non- specific or wordy yet meaningless 'guidance'. But every now and then I read one that is bang on perfect and appears to be speaking directly about and to me. Like today......
As we approach a Full Moon in your sign, we find you trying to keep your strength up. It is as if you are being besieged. People are asking you to supply far more than you can spare. Situations too are taking it out of you. You are putting on a brave face. You always do that. But, actually, you need some help, some support and some understanding. Be patient. Help is on its way, but it is coming to you slowly. Try to trust that this is happening and, meanwhile, don't give in to pressure. Your load will lighten over the next few days.
We're getting closer and closer to the Full Moon this week which is going to take place in your sign. So if you are feeling all wound up and emotional, now you know why. The Full Moon is the ideal time to allow your feelings to float up to the surface to be processed and released.
Ah ha.... the good old Full Moon. Gets me every time. Seriously. I'd been thinking all weekend about how it felt like all these things were coming at me that I had to deal with and process, which I am committed to doing, but it felt like so many were coming at me at once and that it was never ending. Even though I still feel like crap and am not totally sure when it will end or how it will come to pass, I will hang on to these words and fully look forward to whatever help and understanding is set to come my way and to my load lightening over the next few days.....
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday Sounds: Stevie Nicks...
Seriously whacked film clip but gee I love this song (and Stevie in general)....
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Saturday Soul: Say What You Need To Say...
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living up the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only.....
Say what you need to say...
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say....
I'm clearly on a path of working through and shifting my 'stuff' right now. Its not easy, but its good. Once you begin to feel what it's like to not be weighed down by the people, thoughts and ways of being that no longer serve you, it actually spurs you on to keep doing it. To face those issues that have plagued you your whole life, so that you can get rid of them once and for all. As opposed to burying them like you have done for years on end, knowing that its only a matter of time before they rear their ugly heads again. My path and space is being cleared for the good stuff to come in.
And, as the lyrics of John Mayer suggest above, what I'm shifting or focusing on right now is my ability to say what I need to say. To whomever it is that I need to say it to (including myself). I've spent a lot of years not communicating what I really think or feel, of burying hurt and frustration and it isn't healthy. I'm way better at addressing this than I used to be but new challenges are always arising and its a work in progress. So when I need reminding to speak up instead of burying, I take a moment to listen to the smooth voice of Mr Mayer to set me back on track (such a wise and HOT man!).
As I type this I've just pressed send on a message to a person who has been in my life to a degree for the past 6 months or so. The message was essentially saying thank you for what you have brought into my life, I've really enjoyed knowing you for this period of time but for me, our friendship/interaction needs to end here. I could have just decided to hit 'delete all' on all messages from this person and ignore future attempts at contact. I've tried this tack before after I'd been left to feel disappointed or uneasy by something this person did. But really, thats just half-arsed (ie I'm taking the easy way out or not really doing what I truly needed to do) and I always succumbed to future contact. Perhaps at those times I wasn't ready to cut the cord. This person wasn't in my life in a mutually beneficial way and it was not evolving in a way you would expect a relationship or even a friendship to evolve, yet I still couldn't completely cut them from my life. I wanted the safety net (even though in the long run this wasn't what my soul really needed).
After some soul searching last night and this morning I decided to do what needed to be done and say what needed to be said. I may have some butterflies in my stomach ie their reaction and have a slight feeling of 'shit, there goes my safety net' but ultimately I have done the right thing. I don't need a safety net (particularly in the form of someone who isn't adding any value to my life). No more thoughts of 'better to have a certain person in your life in a less than desirable way as opposed to not having them at all'. Because it isn't. I'm gaining clarity regarding what I truly wish to bring into my life and part of making that happen is ensuring there is space for what I do want to come in. I am making it known to the universe that I expect greatness for myself in regards to the quality of relationships that are in my life - I expect it for myself and I'm willing to push through my fear and old ways of being in order to say what I need to say and have what I really want.
And now for some eye candy ; ) .....
Friday, February 3, 2012
Fabulous Friday: Oh, The Places You'll Go...
This magical video is based on the final book written by Dr Seuss before his death. It is about life's ups and downs, told by the people of Burning Man 2011.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Thursday Thoughts: The Softening...
Today I've been very aware of a softening within myself. Its subtle but its there. I am noticing my reactions to people, things and events are not as intense and I am aware of myself stopping and waiting before reacting. When emotions come up I'm working at not letting them overwhelm me. Instead I'm looking at them objectively and asking myself whether they are in proportion to the actual issue. More often than not the emotions subside within a few minutes and pass, and what initially felt like a large deal, really isn't one.
And the key to this new found softening? I believe its the time and attention I've been devoting to my soul. The exercise, meditation, yoga and gratitude. The creation of space in my physical world and, more importantly, in my mind. It is slowly but surely allowing me to operate from a different place. To see my world in a different way and to live in it in a way that is more in line with my values and a truer reflection of who I really am. And it feels really lovely......
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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