I've been conscious of looking for the signs in my life. The subtle ones that represent the universe or my intuition guiding me towards my higher purpose. This question of what I'm 'really here' for is one that I wrestle with a lot and one that is very important to me. They say everyone deep down, knows what their purpose is - even though many of us say we don't. I believe I do have (and we all have) it in there somewhere but circumstances and conditioning prevent us from having any real ability to get in touch with this knowledge. We have to want to hear it and discover it. To be quiet. And still. And willing to wait for it to come. Therein lie the reasons why most of us spend the greater chunk of our existence in these lives never fully coming to know what our souls true purpose is. We fear what is hidden deep down. We don't trust ourselves. We don't have self-belief. We are not comfortable with the quiet. We don't know what it is to be truly still. We don't have the patience to wait for things to come.
But I'm practicing patience and committing to being still, to getting in touch with my intuition. It's not easy. I second guess a lot of things and myself and feel a long way from being fully in touch with it. But I have noticed some signs lately and they bring me back to children. The one thing that deeply touches me and is important in this world is children. If I had one wish it would be that all children experienced someone loving them, unconditionally. Wanting to make a difference in the lives of kids is what led me to be a teacher. Connecting with them, helping them, believing in them, inspiring them, giving them opportunities - that's what floated my boat and was my purpose. When I stopped teaching the focus of my purpose still appeared to be on kids, but younger ones. Through my artwork and T-Shirts the main aim was to express a feeling of love and belief to kids or to help other people do that for the kids in their lives.
I've lost touch with this over the past couple of years. Bogged down in the day to day existence and being buffeted by other circumstances and emotions, finding my purpose seemed like a luxury and something I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with. I lost the belief in myself and lost sight of who I truly am. But inevitably I am a passionate and soulful being. I'm not here just to 'exist'. I'm not here to get stuck on society's treadmill. My life doesn't work to not be filling it on a daily basis, or in some way, with something I feel deeply about.
So I'm trying to get back in touch with what my purpose is. And this week gave me at least three signs that it still has something to do with kids. One of my sisters brought up my T-Shirts in a conversation with me, out of the blue and was like "Bel, you really should pick that up again. I believe in it". Then at work yesterday, a couple came in to go through their financial plan and they had to bring their three children with them because they couldn't get a sitter. So I spent two hours with the 5 and 2 year old so that their parents could not be distracted and do what they needed to. I had these two little guys on my lap, reading stories, doing sticker books, eating bananas and watching planes. And their parents could not stop thanking me and appeared to be in awe of the fact that I was willing to do that for them. And it struck me how doing that comes naturally to me and had more meaning to it than anything that I ever do at work. Then, last night, I decided to pull a card from one of my packs of oracle cards that I probably haven't looked at in over a year and I pulled the card that said 'Child'. It is specifically about children being part of your life purpose. That was enough for me to believe that the universe is telling me it is time to bring my passion for children back into my life. I still have no idea as to what degree or in what way, but I'm going to keep listening and watching for signs and act on them when they come up. It's also time to stop being bogged down in trying to figure out the 'how' because this is where I get stopped time and time again. Action in the form of baby steps and being open to and aware of the signs seems to be the best way forward for me right now.......
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