The other night I was asked by a friend of mine to write something about grief. This friend, who I consider to be one of my Earth Angels since she has helped me through some very, very tough and dark times, is going through her own very tough time right now. She has been dealt one of those sucker punches that life throws at us, if we're lucky, only a few times in our lives. One of those mother f***er ones that brings you to your knees and has you questioning everything you ever thought you knew or believed about life and your ability to function in it.
When I first sat down to write this post, I'll admit my head went to 'what do I know about grief or what do I have to share that can help?'I do know that grief is that thing that turns up on your doorstep when you least expect it and can crush your soul and mind and body in a way that you never thought possible. At the time you think to yourself how will I ever move beyond this? How does anyone get through feeling this way? You can't figure it out but you know that they must, because the reality is that millions of people have really atrocious, soul destroying things happen to them every day - and yet they continue. So what do they do?
My belief is that many, many people bury it. They bury it because that is what we are conditioned to do. By and large most people do not talk about the 'bad' things that happen to them. They cover it up and go about their business trying to give off the appearance that everything is fine. And even if they can't pass off the idea that everything is fine, they still don't talk about their feelings. They bottle them up. Everyone tries their best to give off the impression that there is no sadness or pain. But this is an act - a facade. And a dangerous one. I completely understand that we all have differing abilities to process, understand, convey or express our emotions. And I am not advocating that we all should just be able to blurt them out and react in a stock standard way to events in our lives. What I am saying though, is that people should not hide their feelings or not express what is going on for them for fear of being judged or for fear that society will think less of them because their world is not 'fine'.
There is sadness and pain behind every face and in every life. That is life. Just as there is happiness and joy somewhere in every life (whether we are capable of seeing it or not). What I believe is that we should all be encouraged and supported to express our experiences at both ends of the spectrum more openly. For ourselves and for each other. At the end of the day, we are all the same. We all have our hearts broken, lose jobs, get sick, suffer breakdowns and experience other, sometimes tremendous acts of loss and pain. So why do we pretend (or think we have to pretend) that we don't? What I know to be true is that when we acknowledge and share our experiences, we help each other. Expressing your fear, sadness, pain and reality allows other people to do the same, which is usually how we move through things (grief included). It also allows us to offer assistance and advice to help someone when they go through a similar thing.
Most often all it takes for one person to begin to shift their pain or to discover an ounce of comfort or hope, is the knowledge that someone else has experienced what they are going through. To hear another voice say "I went through that. I understand and acknowledge how you feel and here is one thing I did to get me through." In my personal experience it has often been just the voice or story of one person that I have clung to and that has gotten me through particular experiences of grief. Just one voice in the whole world. So if you are reading this, make the decision to commit to being 'real'. If you can do this and help even one person in your circle of friends or family or the wider world, it is truly, truly worth it. For those of you who are willing and able, have a conversation, write a blog, write a book, whatever you can. Your advice and words, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem, might be the thing that saves or helps someone else - and that is such a tremendous gift to give someone.
I may not be able to write a thesis on grief but what I can offer is authenticity, reality and understanding (which has been the purpose of writing my blogs from the start). So to my Earth Angel I say, "It is 100% okay to feel everything that you are feeling right now. It's okay to hate the world and to be angry and to cry and to have no idea how you're going to move through this. I may not have dealt with the exact same sucker punch but I still know what being dealt a sucker punch feels like. And more importantly, I know how to speak openly about digging myself out of those wretched black holes.
I know what it feels like to have to drop off the earth and crawl into your own cave without knowing how or when you will come out. I know what it's like to walk through each day feeling like you checked out of your 'real life' and that you'll never get back into it again. I know what it's like to feel so frustrated and angry that you feel your head might blow off. I know what's it's like to walk down the street feeling completely disconnected to everyone and everything around you.
While I can't tell you the exact steps for you to take to move through this (even though I wish I could), I can be here for you to talk to, to send you love and to remind you, 1 million times if necessary, that you will get through this and you will see the light again. And if there is anything else I can do for you that I haven't thought of or am not doing, you just say the word and it's done.
xx
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