Last night I went back in time. Back in time to a place and a feeling that I'd forgotten.
I was having a conversation with my ex after hockey training, just having a quick catch up about our Little Man, when he suddenly asked if he could give me a hug. He said that he was thinking about us lately and how our life together now seems like a big blur and that he just felt the need to give me a hug.
And it was the strangest feeling. Because that was the hug that had previously been my life. That I got each morning, or night or whenever I needed it. For a very long time. And to feel that again, quite unexpectedly, after two years just brought up all these mixed feelings and emotions. Especially when the past two years have been predominantly filled with the anger, frustration, sadness, and the establishment of new and separate lives that accompanies separation. I've spent the past two years distancing myself from this person who was once the closest person in the world to me physically and emotionally, so to have him in my physical space so closely like that again, even for a moment, was quite overwhelming. (To clarify, its nothing along the lines of romantic feelings but a reminder of what this person used to be to me. Even though we've been separated for two years now, I will still often find myself being struck by a though of 'wow, I'm no longer married or with this person now' and it seems surreal).
Once I got past the being overwhelmed bit, I actually shed a tear or two because in those moments I had a flash back to feeling like it was 16 years ago when we first met and we were friends. When it was so simple - we had nothing but the best of intentions for each other and lots of love to give. And we would never have perceived back then that our lives together would pan out as they have. It really does still blow my mind when I actually stop to think about it all and remember how things used to be.
Obviously dwelling on such things is of no benefit and life will always be shifting and changing. But its just so weird when you get those moments where the reality of everything kind of slaps you in the face and you are really present to your feelings. When you stop pushing forward and moving on auto pilot and truly reflect on what has passed, what you've learned and how things have changed.
Life hey? What a crazy, crazy, ride.....
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