"You will get what you really need, because I know what you really need (and it’s not what you think or what they say you need)."
I read this statement in a blog post by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein. It was the message that came to her from her inner voice when she got still. And it grabbed me because I'm wrestling with this one right now. Undoubtedly, the Universe or my inner guidance, intuition, whatever you want to call it, knows what I really need. But I often find myself fighting it and refusing to accept it (and by often I mean about 90% of my day).
It's giving me space, the ability to let go of so many things that no longer serve me, solitude, a life that is pretty much all about me, time to reflect, routine, quality time with my little man, a job that keeps me financially stable but doesn't over-power the rest of my life and priorities.
On one level I totally get and appreciate these things and can see why this is what my life looks like now. I can even see how I manifested and asked for many of these things in the year and months prior to now. But on another, I fight this every day. I feel like I'm treading water and waiting for time to tick over until my life looks different. Until I can see and feel the things I don't have or that I'm lacking. A partner, not being alone, having someone else in my life who needs and wants me in a different way to a 3 year old, excitement and new things to fill up the spaces, a job I'm passionate about, to feel like I'm moving forward and not sitting in limbo.
It's the classic case of 'the grass is greener', with a little bit of 'what you have can't possibly be what there is' mixed in. I know that at some time I manifested these things because its what I needed but there's a nagging little voice in my head (ego?) constantly muttering "now I'm tired of these things and want to move on. There must be something more and I want it now". Patience is not a virtue of mine!
In standing back and being objective about it, I know completely that the things I just listed and that the little voice is whispering to me are not truly what I need right now. And I deeply believe that what we are given is what we need to be given in order to learn something and grow, whether we can see the reason behind it now or not. The issue for me, however, is living this day to day and being able to accept and sit with it indefinitely (I can do solitude until the cows come home if I know for sure that in 3 months time I will be with someone or not still be on my own. But to do it day in, day out when there are no guarantees that it won't always be me and my own company is another thing all together).
To trust that on the days where I'm sick of moving through life on my own and I feel I'll go mad if I have any more solitude, that I should revel in it - for one day I'll be surrounded by a family and a household of people again and will wish I could have some time to focus on myself.
To trust that it's okay to sit in space and nothingness for a while so that you can find the something and someone really special to fill that space with when the time is right - And to trust that the space will be filled with something.
To trust that all this free time with my little man is the greatest gift for myself and him (even when I feel like my whole world revolves around childrens TV shows, reading Dr Seuss and dealing with 'kid stuff').
To trust that all this independence and focus on self is so that I can move into my next relationship knowing who I really am and what I really want from it and my life.
To trust that my soul and the universe know what I truly need. That it will all be delivered in good time and that it is and will be wonderful.......
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