As I go to start my first full week back in Sydney and at work, I'm going to be blatantly honest and say I am struggling big time. I've been purposely trying not to get bogged down in any analysis of the reasons why and to just recognise that the feelings are there and that they will pass. But as the feelings linger, I can't help but think that maybe if I let them out a bit or mull them over a little, it will be of some benefit.
Tiredness is undoubtedly a key factor here. Whilst I felt very grounded and calm being in Rishikesh, and made a point of carving out time for myself, the trip was not a 'holiday' in the sense that most people view holidays. The hours of travel, the intense heat, the culture shock, the number of things to experience, being out of your comfort zone so much of the time - its quite a lot to deal with and takes a certain amount out of you physically and mentally. I'm also beginning to feel the first signs of the flu or something of that nature which isn't helping the cause. Of course seeing my little man again and being with him since I got back has been fantastic, but there is nothing like taking care of a 3 year old on your own to bring you back to reality!
I also just realised that this is one of the first times I have experienced a trip or traveling and not really had someone to re-live it with when I came back. On previous trips I would have had a partner or other family members who were in a similar place to me and could share and understand the transition phase of returning to your every day life. Of course everyone asks how my trip was and I do my best to describe it, but its an extremely different experience to describe and in some ways, it is impossible to even begin to do. Whilst I did travel with 13 other people, we all come from different places over Australia and the world, and were all returning home at different times. So I don't have anyone who has come back to a similar reality to me or who I can connect with here.
One of the things that struck many of the group members that I traveled with was how amazing it was to spend time with such like minded people, and that this was something they didn't get to do a lot. As someone who has experienced working in a company and finding a tribe of people through this that are like minded, I have experienced being able to integrate my outside world with my work world before. And this is something that I really miss right now, given that I am working in an environment where people don't know that much about me and where the topics of conversation definitely don't flow to areas of spirituality or anything close to it. For a time this has been a refreshing change for me and it has been healthy to establish barriers between work and the rest of my life. But I am definitely missing having even one person to connect with day in and day out on this level and am struggling to work in a place where I don't feel entirely 'myself'. Lets just say that my response to the question 'How was your trip?' generally ends at 'fantastic' because to try to explain the predominantly spiritual element to my trip is quite difficult and is usually met with quizzical looks on the occasions that I have tried. The issue of how to 'speak my truth' and be who I really am and integrate things that are important to me into a work environment like I'm in now, is beginning to weigh on my mind quite a bit. I do know that it has everything to do with me and that I need to find the way, but right now doing so feels like a monumental task.
Now that I've put these feelings out there I'm asking myself 'Bel, what do you need?'. I'm not talking drastic or monumental actions - but just little things to address the areas mentioned. Sleep/rest is obviously a big one - so I will try to limit my activities this week to work and rest. The other thing I can see I need to do is connect with the people in my life who are like minded, who I can completely be myself with and whose energy fills me up. Even doing this once a week can go a long way to counteracting the effects of a work place where this is lacking. As for the 'speaking my truth' and 'being me' at work, this is one that will take time but I will make an effort to make a shift in my way of thinking and being and commit to being grounded and in touch with myself so I can maintain that in any environment.
Now that we've got that sorted, I'm going to end with some words to help me manifest the kind of week I want to have, rather than focus on what I don't want. Here's to a week of rest, connecting and practicing speaking my truth and being 'Bel' in all situations..........
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