I recently came across a message I had sent to a friend in April last year - the year that, for the most part can be described as my year of shit (A strong title, I know. But it's apt). Looking back I can appreciate what I learned and how I needed to go through it, but good Lord if the Universe ever comes to me and says "How 'bout we repeat that process again?" I would reply with a resounding "Hell Noooooooooooo!" Apart from my experience of post natal depression, a few months of last year were the darkest I've ever experienced.
Certain life circumstances conspired to bring me to that point, some of which I didn't have any control over. But this week I've been reflecting on what it was about that time that had me be so far out of flow that I completely and utterly lost myself and essentially all my hope and faith. The sentence in my message that gave me an answer to that question was the one that read:
"It has been hard going, especially trying to keep up the impression that everything is fine and normal for me so that it can't be used against me".
There it is, plain and simple. I was not telling the truth. Yes, there could have been repercussions from certain people twisting my going through a rough patch and using it against me (rightly or wrongly), and the threat of that was very real and scary to me. But in hindsight, bottling everything up and not asking for help until it was crisis time, certainly didn't do me any favours. I went down the darkest hole imaginable and then spent months having to get myself out. Had I spoken my truth, my worst case scenario may have happened. But there may have also been another outcome. One where the Universe protected me and flowed with me and brought me what I needed because I was being truthful. Because I was not going against the flow or against asking for what I needed. Now there's a thought.....
As is the case with all challenges and times of struggle, I grew as a person, learned lessons and discovered an inner strength that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it is such a great reminder for the next time that life throws a curve ball at me that I want to choose to be fearless and to tell the truth, no matter what. Because the truth always needs to be told - to ourselves and to others in order for us to flow.
No comments:
Post a Comment