I've shared on my blog how I feel ready to move towards something new and would like to attract a partner into my life who connects with me energetically, and who understands and loves me as I am. And I've been working on manifesting this and opening my heart but have felt a bit frustrated. This week and today in particular, I've recognised that the frustration is actually stemming from some residual fear and in-grained beliefs about having my needs met and finding a partner. There is a fear I'm still holding about how any future relationship will work out and believing that I can have something or believe it exists when I have never experienced it before.
I also worked out that I have carried around, since the day I was born or before, a belief that I won't or can't have my needs met. Without going into too much detail, my twin sister and I came into the world at an extremely tumultuous and sad time for my mother's family, with her father being murdered two months prior to our birth. The circumstances of our birth ie being born over 2 months premature was, in itself, an extremely stressful situation on its own, let alone coming so close on the back of that event. Prior to now I have never really given that much thought to that time or how being born under such circumstances may have affected me. But it really isn't surprising to think that it would. I have always been told by family members that there was great joy surrounding our birth and that we were a gift or blessing from God to in some way make up for what they had lost. I don't doubt that our family members saw things that way and that they loved us. But the reality is that all around my sister and I would have been people who were stressed and sad and who were not having their needs met. And perhaps as a result, even from that early time I have had an in-grained belief that my needs just can't be met. They weren't being met for my Mum at that time and it is predominantly what I have experienced or felt for most of my life.
It's quite a lot to get my head around and process, and I really wasn't expecting this to come up. But it obviously has for a reason and I do already feel better now that I have at least been able to identify what was buried and begin shifting or clearing this belief. I know I've cleared out so much 'stuff' in the past few years and have had to work through some really painful and difficult emotions. My first reaction to this coming up was, "not more stuff, haven't I cleared it all and done enough yet?" But when I stop and think I can see that this is just a little bit of leftover residue if you like, that isn't going to be a barrier for me. It's just something to be aware of and shift so that I can move forward without fear. What I'm going to focus on now is truly believing in my heart that I can have what I want in life and that my needs can be met. I don't have to do more, be more or pay any dues in order to have my needs met. I can expect that they can and will be simply by virtue of the fact that I am me. And I can't wait to see how my life unfolds from that viewpoint.
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