Thursday Thoughts: A Little Break...

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The quote I posted yesterday in words of wisdom is ringing so true for me right now, that I couldn't not post it. Change and release and creating space for the new to come in is in the forefront of my mind. At times I fear space and I have a complicated relationship with it - I think I want it, but when I create it, my ego kicks in and I freak out about the lack of familiarity and start to doubt my ability to bring into the space the things I want. My mind starts to tell me that instead of giving me what I wanted I'm really just alone. And then I end up clinging to the things and people and ways of being that I was trying to move beyond in the first place. The key is waiting long enough and being patient enough to allow the new things to come in, when they are supposed to (which might not be the time at which you think you want them - therein lies my greatest challenge - reconciling the two).

It's all just about changing habits and creating new ways of thinking and reacting, which takes time and practice. So I'm being gentle with myself, arming myself with supporters and confidantes who will help me move through this phase until I get to where I want to be. As one of my wise friends pointed out, I'm well beyond the point of succumbing to fear. Instead of letting it take me down, I need to thank it for the motivation to keep moving in the opposite direction. That advice is gold, pure gold. I've let myself succumb to fear and doubt in the past and I am vowing not to do it this time. This time I'm doing everything I can to create the space, connect with my spirit, ground myself, set clear intentions, instigate meaningful action, and allow the universe to work its magic and work with me to create the next amazing phase of my life (as well as to enjoy where I am at now). This is a real test of how much I believe in myself and I don't want to let myself down or sell myself short this time.

And on that note, I'm going to take a break from the blog for a little while - I'm thinking for the rest of June. It was a hard decision to make, as my regular posting is something that keeps the creative side of me going and it's like my 'thing' to do each day. But, in light of what I'm working on, I feel I need the space for fresh ideas and creative inspiration to come in and it's sometimes hard to get that unless you remove yourself from what you already do. Never fear, however, 'cause I'll be back bigger and brighter and fresher than ever in July!

Wednesday Words: In Change There Is Power...

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Tuesday Treats: Nutella Crepe Cake...

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Monday Musings: Authenticity...

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"Practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting choice - there's risk involved in putting your true self out into the world. But I believe there is even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions and contributions don't just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our own worthiness."  Brene Brown. 


I read this Brene Brown quote on a facebook post tonight and had to write about it, given my discussion last week on being in flow. That festering is absolutely what I experienced last year and have experienced so much throughout my life when I was denying my own truth. It can be a very hard, very daunting choice. Especially when you are plagued with self-doubt, or lack the courage you feel you need to put your true self out into the world. It can feel like a huge risk, one that is too big to take.

But I believe with all of my being that the risk to be ourselves is always, always worth it. Because it is the reason we are here. We are here to be our true selves. When you think about it, it seems utterly absurd that any of us would be placed on this earth to follow the crowd, or hide our gifts or deny what lies at the heart of us - our soul. We may have to go on a journey in order to find what lies at the heart of us or our authentic voice, and that authentic voice will change over time. It will feel daunting and there will be moments you will have to dig for every ounce of courage you have in order to remain authentic. It will often feel safer to stay in the known - the behaviours, the roles, the job, the relationship, the every day, even when you know it doesn't serve you. But when that choice is there to be made, make the choice to follow your authentic self. To not do so eventually catches up with you, as Brene explains, in the form of anxiety, rage, depression, addiction, blame, resentment and inexplicable grief. And I know first hand that existing in a life characterised by these emotions is not a life at all. And that is way more scary than any risk associated with shining your own light.

So shine on.

Sunday Sounds: Boy & Bear (Walking On A Dream Cover)...

Saturday Soul: Marvelous...

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Fabulous Friday: Somethin' For The Weekend...

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It's a long weekend in these parts this weekend. Yahoo!!! And the weather is getting to feel a whole lot more like winter. So I'd say a hot beverage like the one above will be in order over the next few days. Enjoy the weekend round-up!

Been listening to St Lucia all week


This editorial in Bullett Magazine, featuring Emily Browning, is amazingly beautiful

Happily Ever, After We Split (An interesting take on divorce)

Shout The Rainbow is my new happy place on the web : )

The Foggy Path. Tara Sophia Mohr knows right where I'm at and I'm embracing the fog.

Thursday Thoughts: Tell The Truth to Let Life Flow...

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I recently came across a message I had sent to a friend in April last year - the year that, for the most part can be described as my year of shit (A strong title, I know. But it's apt). Looking back I can appreciate what I learned and how I needed to go through it, but good Lord if the Universe ever comes to me and says "How 'bout we repeat that process again?" I would reply with a resounding "Hell Noooooooooooo!" Apart from my experience of post natal depression, a few months of last year were the darkest I've ever experienced.

Certain life circumstances conspired to bring me to that point, some of which I didn't have any control over. But this week I've been reflecting on what it was about that time that had me be so far out of flow that I completely and utterly lost myself and essentially all my hope and faith. The sentence in my message that gave me an answer to that question was the one that read:

"It has been hard going, especially trying to keep up the impression that everything is fine and normal for me so that it can't be used against me".

There it is, plain and simple. I was not telling the truth. Yes, there could have been repercussions from certain people twisting my going through a rough patch and using it against me (rightly or wrongly), and the threat of that was very real and scary to me. But in hindsight, bottling everything up and not asking for help until it was crisis time, certainly didn't do me any favours. I went down the darkest hole imaginable and then spent months having to get myself out. Had I spoken my truth, my worst case scenario may have happened. But there may have also been another outcome. One where the Universe protected me and flowed with me and brought me what I needed because I was being truthful. Because I was not going against the flow or against asking for what I needed.  Now there's a thought.....

As is the case with all challenges and times of struggle, I grew as a person, learned lessons and discovered an inner strength that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it is such a great reminder for the next time that life throws a curve ball at me that I want to choose to be fearless and to tell the truth, no matter what. Because the truth always needs to be told - to ourselves and to others in order for us to flow.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom: C.S. Lewis...

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Tuesday Treats: Cruller donuts...

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Monday Musings: My Amazing Life...

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Intuition.

Synchronicity.

Planets aligning.

Call it what you will - but something definitely hit me today. A feeling that struck me like a bolt of lightning. It caught me somewhat unaware, as I confess that I woke up in a 'feral' mood. I could have happily stayed in bed all day with my head under the covers. I was over the week before it began and feeling less than positive.

But then at around 9am, out of nowhere, I had a really intense feeling that today marked a turning point. A switch turned on and a voice inside my head said straight out "This is it Bel, today's the day. It's time to put the pedal to the metal and just go create an AMAZING life!" And that feeling has stayed with me, like a spark of electricity. I don't know the grand plan yet but I do know I need to start putting one committed step in front of the other, and follow my heart and intuition towards joy and happiness.

Then tonight I came across the quote above on pinterest and its as if those steps are exactly what I had done today.

I decided it was important enough for me to just start doing something NOW.

I didn't know where to start exactly but I started by spending my lunch break reading the first chapter of "Your Big Beautiful Book Plan" by Danielle Laporte (which was so graciously given to me by my angel Krista Jane, and which has definitely come to me now for a reason).  

I know this is something I will need support, guidance and inspiration with, so I reached out to Krista Jane to help me formulate a plan. She's an expert in what she does and the smart thing is to surround yourself with successful people whose vision, spirit and way of being is in line with your own and how you want to live your life. I also shared my lightning bolt moment with my bestie, who is ALWAYS in my corner, who will be able to hold me accountable and who will help keep me going on this journey.

I'm a bit tired physically this week, so I've given myself the week off fitness and training so that I can devote the energy to my mental well being and recharge physically. Instead of using my lunch breaks for running, I'm using them for reading, writing and anything I feel like doing that brings me joy.

I certainly don't have a grand plan or know every detail of how I'm going to create my amazing life just yet, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing anything. I'm going to follow my intuition and read books that I'm drawn to, contact people who come to mind, look at blogs that cross my path - whatever it may be. At this point it just matters that I start doing something and have my intention in place. Once you are in motion and are truly checking in with your heart and spirit, the path opens up. I'm trusting this.

And finally, I believe that I can do it, so I will.

Stay tuned for greatness......

Sunday Sounds: Lennon & Maisy Stella...

Couldn't resist putting Lennon & Maisy on this week - they're just too cute (and talented)!

Saturday Soul: Buried Deep...

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I've shared on my blog how I feel ready to move towards something new and would like to attract a partner into my life who connects with me energetically, and who understands and loves me as I am. And I've been working on manifesting this and opening my heart but have felt a bit frustrated. This week and today in particular, I've recognised that the frustration is actually stemming from some residual fear and in-grained beliefs about having my needs met and finding a partner. There is a fear I'm still holding about how any future relationship will work out and believing that I can have something or believe it exists when I have never experienced it before.

I also worked out that I have carried around, since the day I was born or before, a belief that I won't or can't have my needs met. Without going into too much detail, my twin sister and I came into the world at an extremely tumultuous and sad time for my mother's family, with her father being murdered two months prior to our birth. The circumstances of our birth ie being born over 2 months premature was, in itself, an extremely stressful situation on its own, let alone coming so close on the back of that event. Prior to now I have never really given that much thought to that time or how being born under such circumstances may have affected me. But it really isn't surprising to think that it would. I have always been told by family members that there was great joy surrounding our birth and that we were a gift or blessing from God to in some way make up for what they had lost. I don't doubt that our family members saw things that way and that they loved us. But the reality is that all around my sister and I would have been people who were stressed and sad and who were not having their needs met. And perhaps as a result, even from that early time I have had an in-grained belief that my needs just can't be met. They weren't being met for my Mum at that time and it is predominantly what I have experienced or felt for most of my life.

It's quite a lot to get my head around and process, and I really wasn't expecting this to come up. But it obviously has for a reason and I do already feel better now that I have at least been able to identify what was buried and begin shifting or clearing this belief. I know I've cleared out so much 'stuff' in the past few years and have had to work through some really painful and difficult emotions. My first reaction to this coming up was, "not more stuff, haven't I cleared it all and done enough yet?" But when I stop and think I can see that this is just a little bit of leftover residue if you like, that isn't going to be a barrier for me. It's just something to be aware of and shift so that I can move forward without fear. What I'm going to focus on now is truly believing in my heart that I can have what I want in life and that my needs can be met. I don't have to do more, be more or pay any dues in order to have my needs met. I can expect that they can and will be simply by virtue of the fact that I am me. And I can't wait to see how my life unfolds from that viewpoint.

Fabulous Friday: Somethin' For The Weekend...

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Simple Ways to Follow Your Bliss

Remembering Jeff Buckley through his music

Digging these boots for winter (and the fact that they are named Bailey must be an omen to buy them right ; )

I want to cook this!

How cool, a glow in the dark driveway

Thursday Thoughts: Hafiz...

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One regret, dear world,
That I am determined not to have
When I am lying on my deathbed
Is that
I did not kiss you enough.

Wednesday Words Of Wisdom: Life...

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Tuesday Treats: Mini Butterfinger Cheescakes...

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Monday Musings: Divine Timing (Part 2)...

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This post is going to follow on from my Divine Timing post from last week. After reading that post, my best buddy sent me one of the most beautiful message anyone has ever sent me (I was bawling by the end of it because it captured the journey of our friendship so beautifully. It was also so unexpected and so what I needed right then to have faith that The Universe is and has worked in my favour, and will surely continue to do so).


Our meeting was absolutely Divine in timing. We came together through lululemon, with Ange working at the store I started in. We only crossed paths and worked one shift together and then her life path directed her towards a different store and away from me before we'd even really met. At that time, I would never in a million years have predicted that in just under a year from then I would move to the store that she had gone to and that she would become my best friend. I would have suggested way back then that the circumstances that would need to arise to facilitate this happening were impossible and would never happen. But low and behold, my life circumstances changed dramatically over the next year and the 'impossible' occurred. From that moment on we have been instrumental in each others lives and journey's to the extent that I could not imagine how I would have gotten through the past 2 years without her (and am so much stronger moving forward with her in my corner).


And since Ange's beautiful message, at least 3 other instances of Divine Timing have sprung to mind that have helped lift my spirits and renew my faith and belief in the fact that everything is happening for a reason; that just because I can't see anything happening physically in front of me right now that events can still be unfolding behind the scenes and with other people; and that one day it will all become clear if I just keep believing.


Thank you Ange - I love you!


Thank you Universe for the Divine timing of me meeting my best friend.....

Sunday Sounds: John Mayer....

He's back!!!!!! Loving the new tunes (but not loving the new look unfortunately). Still, it's all good if you close your eyes and picture the old, sexy John.....

Saturday Soul: The Sucker Punch...

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The other night I was asked by a friend of mine to write something about grief. This friend, who I consider to be one of my Earth Angels since she has helped me through some very, very tough and dark times, is going through her own very tough time right now. She has been dealt one of those sucker punches that life throws at us, if we're lucky, only a few times in our lives. One of those mother f***er ones that brings you to your knees and has you questioning everything you ever thought you knew or believed about life and your ability to function in it.


When I first sat down to write this post, I'll admit my head went to 'what do I know about grief or what do I have to share that can help?'I do know that grief is that thing that turns up on your doorstep when you least expect it and can crush your soul and mind and body in a way that you never thought possible. At the time you think to yourself how will I ever move beyond this? How does anyone get through feeling this way? You can't figure it out but you know that they must, because the reality is that millions of people have really atrocious, soul destroying things happen to them every day - and yet they continue. So what do they do?


My belief is that many, many people bury it. They bury it because that is what we are conditioned to do. By and large most people do not talk about the 'bad' things that happen to them. They cover it up and go about their business trying to give off the appearance that everything is fine. And even if they can't pass off the idea that everything is fine, they still don't talk about their feelings. They bottle them up. Everyone tries their best to give off the impression that there is no sadness or pain. But this is an act - a facade. And a dangerous one. I completely understand that we all have differing abilities to process, understand, convey or express our emotions. And I am not advocating that we all should just be able to blurt them out and react in a stock standard way to events in our lives. What I am saying though, is that people should not hide their feelings or not express what is going on for them for fear of being judged or for fear that society will think less of them because their world is not 'fine'.


There is sadness and pain behind every face and in every life. That is life. Just as there is happiness and joy somewhere in every life (whether we are capable of seeing it or not). What I believe is that we should all be encouraged and supported to express our experiences at both ends of the spectrum more openly. For ourselves and for each other. At the end of the day, we are all the same. We all have our hearts broken, lose jobs, get sick, suffer breakdowns and experience other, sometimes tremendous acts of loss and pain. So why do we pretend (or think we have to pretend) that we don't? What I know to be true is that when we acknowledge and share our experiences, we help each other. Expressing your fear, sadness, pain and reality allows other people to do the same, which is usually how we move through things (grief included). It also allows us to offer assistance and advice to help someone when they go through a similar thing.


Most often all it takes for one person to begin to shift their pain or to discover an ounce of comfort or hope, is the knowledge that someone else has experienced what they are going through. To hear another voice say "I went through that. I understand and acknowledge how you feel and here is one thing I did to get me through." In my personal experience it has often been just the voice or story of one person that I have clung to and that has gotten me through particular experiences of grief. Just one voice in the whole world. So if you are reading this, make the decision to commit to being 'real'. If you can do this and help even one person in your circle of friends or family or the wider world, it is truly, truly worth it. For those of you who are willing and able, have a conversation, write a blog, write a book, whatever you can. Your advice and words, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem, might be the thing that saves or helps someone else - and that is such a tremendous gift to give someone.


I may not be able to write a thesis on grief but what I can offer is authenticity, reality and understanding (which has been the purpose of writing my blogs from the start). So to my Earth Angel I say, "It is 100% okay to feel everything that you are feeling right now. It's okay to hate the world and to be angry and to cry and to have no idea how you're going to move through this. I may not have dealt with the exact same sucker punch but I still know what being dealt a sucker punch feels like. And more importantly, I know how to speak openly about digging myself out of those wretched black holes.


I know what it feels like to have to drop off the earth and crawl into your own cave without knowing how or when you will come out. I know what it's like to walk through each day feeling like you checked out of your 'real life' and that you'll never get back into it again. I know what it's like to feel so frustrated and angry that you feel your head might blow off. I know what's it's like to walk down the street feeling completely disconnected to everyone and everything around you. 


While I can't tell you the exact steps for you to take to move through this (even though I wish I could), I can be here for you to talk to, to send you love and to remind you, 1 million times if necessary, that you will get through this and you will see the light again. And if there is anything else I can do for you that I haven't thought of or am not doing, you just say the word and it's done.

xx